i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
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There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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