she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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