The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
