so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
