Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
