Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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