Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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