our cab driver is having phone sex.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
