I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
