We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
