You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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