So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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