Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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