Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
