ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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