I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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