how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
