I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
