I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
