If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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