i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
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