dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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