He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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