Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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