Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
