No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
