You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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