sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
