Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
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Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
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He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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