I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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