Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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