There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
