I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
