Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
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