apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
