when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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