Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you inspire me to be a worse person
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
