jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
