Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
