I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
