you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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