somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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