my phone needs a breathalizer
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
