I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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