His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
