He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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