The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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