aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
