I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
