I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
