Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
