It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
