dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
